Being Physical

It was another season of breathlessness for me. I was panting badly. But I had to make up the distance. Atleast upto the the last light post at the end of the street after which there was total darkness. The time was 9 pm. I just saw the FIFA 2010 match between Germany & England. The Klose Podolski Lahm Ozil Muller Schwienstiger team ruled literally. That was the future of the great Oliver Kahn team. Post Ballack era. The way they crashed Argentina & England by 4 goals each. Before going down fighting against the silent guns – Spain led by Villa Cassilas Torres. Felt sad for Messi Lampard Kaka Ronaldo. All these action was on tv. Myself, at Jabalpur.

I changed the track on my Ipod shuffle. Now playing Sevendust- Black. Nice beats. To thump up my left over energy for another round of jogging. I didn’t have much left. So I had to finish it. I increased the speed, finally ending it. Felt really good. The Jabalpur Nagpur express passed me byside. After few days I would be boarding that train for my way back to college. The t-shirt was totally sweat drenched. People kept staring at me. Not a new thing for me. Came back. Mom kept shouting – “don’t go under the shower now. Don’t sit under the fan.” I said Ok. Likewise, again, I went infront of the mirror. We don’t get this big bedroom like mirrors at hostel. The whole body was reflecting with sweat. I remembered my oiled body look at bare chest round. I pulled back my hairs. I am surely loosing them fast. Getting bald. Future plans – either become Vin Diesel, total shaved, or Salman Khan, get hair transplant. Leave them to dreams for now. First complete your studies. Already this body stuff is killing it.

Back when I was 12 years old, it was the same feeling even then. Every evening after the heavy cycling, I used to come back & kept looking at the mirror at myself, unclothed, full of sweat. I did have a desire to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, not realizing how much hard it is to be someone like that. It all started with a very young age. I was 5 years old. On my way to school by rickshaw, I caught the sight of this poster of Arnold from the movie Predator. I can never forget his biceps. My 2nd hero was Sylvester Stallone. Movie – Rambo. 3rd hero – Jean Claude Van Damme. Things started happening when my father took cable connection at home & I started watching WWF, inspite of my father’s continuous protests. I remember how they showed the training sessions of Rock & Brock Lesnar. After that, another thrill was to see the whole Rocky series. Rocky Balboa & his training sessions.

By then I didn’t have any idea what bodybuilding actually is. Parents kept telling me not to do weight lifting, otherwise it will affect height. & it did affect. I didn’t listen to them & I remained 5 ft 3 inches since the age of 12 years. After that my height never increased. Medically reason it as the premature ossification of the bone ends due to heavy physical exercises. I just stabbed the sledge straight into my own foot. Now I feel the very dejection of not listening to parents. I was always regular in running. Or call it jogging. When I was born, I weighed 12 pounds. That was bit more than normal. The doctor handed me over to my father congratulating everyone for having a wrestler born. I crossed 50 kgs when I was 10 years old. So overall, I was obese by birth. So I always tried to keep up with exercises to keep myself fit, right from my childhood. I only changed the track, from free hand exercises to heavy weight liftings. Remember class 7, 8, 9 & 10. I was the God of arm wrestling at my school. & back at home, I would incessantly go on with non-stop push-ups, fly kicks, high kicks, kick boxing, crunches.

I reached the milestone of weight, when I was at Kota, in 12 std. I crossed 100kgs. It was just then & there, that the control started. I cut on my diet. No breakfast. Only 2 meals a day, lunch & dinner. No non-veg. No fast foods & junk foods. As many glasses of cold lemon water, without sugar or salt. More fruits & salads & water. Less oils. Alongwith as much exercises I could possibly do. Both mornings & evenings. & finally I was down to 48 kgs after 4 months. When I came back to Bilaspur & opened my t-shirt, I could see my rib cage clearly, without expanding it. My facial bones had grown very much prominent. My waist length was below 28. I had to get new pants stitched for me. Meanwhile I continued with my exercises. During the phase of drop after 12th, I took to as much protein I could take on. Chicken, I used to eat 1 kg in day alone. I loved fish & eggs.

Then came college. I got selected. I knew I would be made nude in ragging. & so I was prepared for that. I just followed the home made exercise schedule of Van Damme. Cause my parents never allowed me gym. Enter college. Mgims is damn worse in matters of physical fitness stuffs. I remember when I reached Bapu Kuti. I reached their with bandage on my arms, legs & a scar face. So usually I never took bath until the 10th day. Every night at dormitory, Shridhar, before going to sleep, used to go shirtless & - “dekh saale, body dekh meri.” I used to simply lay down & say – “ya its good.” It was the 10th day that I went to take bath. Clothes off. Water all over. & the show starts. It was Amit Singh who caught my glimpse. Its this guy who takes the credit of making me famous with the name of Rambo.

At school, I was known as baby Rhino. We did have, not so good, yet good enough guys to go on with physicality. Its surely not everyone’s cup of tea. The temptation surely takes in every guy. Call it the adrenaline cum testosterone factor. Be it the worst geek, being physical is every guy’s dream. As much lovely it looks to be physical, that much hardcore you have to become to be something like that. Abhinav did take much interest in these stuffs, but he got down with asthama. Pranay keeps speaking of making up, but I never saw any signs of that in him. Sinoj used to be a deadly fellow. He was my worst competitor in arm wrestling at school. I heard the guy used to do pull ups on the ceiling fan nails. Sabin did try to show off a lot. But turned out to be a loose brad. I was lucky enough to get the gym at college. No 1st year student is allowed to step into gym. But I did make my start in 1st year itself. The pgs used to go crazy over me. We didn’t have much equipments earlier. Ghosh sir made good contribution before leaving as the warden by bringing some new stuffs. Though things keeps breaking & stolen everytime. Still we try to make the best use out of it.

1st time I saw gym was when I was 11 years old & used to go to the Rly. Stadium at Bilaspur. I used to go there every morning for running. Nowadays whenever I go home, I always try to take out time for a run at the stadium. I remember the tall sturdy guys used to run all over the concrete stairway steps made for sitting. Reminds me how Rock used to run over them. I could hardly do that because of my small height. It was my father who took me there & used to show me how athletes run. Oh man! Guys used keep on running non stop for hours. I used to just keep gazing at them. That was when I was 9 years old. When I reached 12 years age, I used to run a regular non stop of six kilometers. And then I would always see the people gazing at me. Surely I made one hell of a stamina. It was then a guy called me up to try some gym stuffs. The gym was attached to the stadium on its exterior alongwith lawn tennis, volleyball & basketball courts. I said – “ mom said no.”

Bodybuilding proper started at college. 1st I just went on doing whatever I could possibly do at gym, trying to do all the equipments. I would never listen to anyone. The thing didn’t actually work. 04’ batch came up with the concept of bare chest round at the fashion show on annual fest. That was the first something like that happened in MGIMS. We remember our expression. Totally awestruck. Jaws dropped all over. I myself was sitting in the audience & watching what the hell is going on-stage. They dressed as the characters from Ramayana & Mahabharat. Dhotis of different colours with armours in hand. Background music was Age of Innocence from Enigma. Overall it was really appreciable. Eventhough Borasi sir managed to cover up his pot belly with the gold plate he wore over his belly, resembling Ram. Yogendar sir & Atul sir surely looked good with 6 ft height. Mahajan sir’s abs made him the show stealer. Bagadiya was the only guy from 06 batch. Pawan sir, as usual, the model. Satyendar was the dare devil, to wear the waist line so low, as to reveal his pelvic region. It was even below the way Ranbir Kapoor did it in Saawariya.

From then on, it became the great topic of discussion every where, be it the boys hostel or the girls hostel. Borasi sir surely did a great in justice to me. Anyway. I wouldn’t have matched their heights. & no one from them would have matched my bulk. 05 gathering was like a wait being over. People just wanted to see the new faces. 04 guys had left. Bagadiya & Satyendra developed pot bellies. Pawan sir & Mahajan sir didn’t go home after their exams & joined Belle gym. Pawan sir told me from the very starting – “I want you to be ready for the show.” I thought it to be a kid’s job. But as the days came nearby, I realized the very chill for the ultimate thrill. I was fighting with my fat. My chest was surely the best of all. I went on with deadly bench presses. It was Mahajan sir who approached me & rectified my faults. 1st he used to train me over the body part exercises. But I wouldn’t listen to him. Then he offered me the great book – Encyclopedia of Modern Body Building by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Though it was a Xerox copy of the original one which belonged to Tushar Prem Borkar sir of 96 batch. The guy surely had left. He completed his post graduation & now he is at Oman. I checked out his pics on orkut. I was left astonished. By that time, Batiston sir gave me You Tube video of Arnold & Ronnie Coleman. It was from then I started collecting videos & informations about body builders. Jay Cutler & Dennis Wolf became my favorites. Abs of Brent Kutlesa. The upper body of Wolf. Jay Cutler stole every show with his bulk. Lee Haney & Troy Zuccolotto’s pics were their in our gym itself. Shawn Ray, Dexter Jackson were the other ones to fascinate me. Frank Zane, Franco Columbu, Larry Scott, Dave Draper, Sergio Olivio were among my old favorites. One thing was quite sure, as time passed, bodybuilders became more massive. Lee Priest was my ultimate inspiration. His small height, yet his great arms. A total piece of wonder.

The principle was to loose as much fat you can. Cause until & unless fat is really gone, you can’t exhibit your muscles nicely. & that is how body builders get ranked. What matters is how much clearly you can define your muscle fibres, recalling each & every muscle of the body distinctly, ofcourse the superficial muscles indeed. & then comes the bulk. How big your muscle is. Arnold stole all shows with his biceps. Those were the biggest heighted biceps the world had seen. Eventhough his lower body wasn’t that appreciable. Dorian Yates was considered as the best body ever. Dennis Wolf had the highest ratio of upper body to his lower body, explicating a perfect V shape. People die for a V shape, which is as hard to achieve. It comes with a high developed latissimus dorsi alongwith big shoulders. Even the chest development was divided into upper chest, made by inclined brench presses & lower chest, made by declined bench presses. Flat bench presses for full development. Alongwith dumble flys. I loved theses exercises. You even were required to show the fibres of chest. Biceps were surely a hard to go on. Curls, be it concentration or preacher. I had a good piece of triceps, developed by years of incessant push ups. So I loved to go infront on the ramp & exhibit triceps heads with extended arms. Parallel dips was easy for me. That much tough was pull ups. I needed to do them for building up my back, which was not good. So I took to pull downs instead. Alongwith bent over barbell rows. Though it made backache & hip pain after exercises. So the waist belt was in for support. I don’t know how many times I injured my wrist while flat bench presses. I would go on lifting upto 80 kgs, & when I would reach saturation, I would be unable to put the barbells back to the knot & finally resulted to sprain. My most vulnerable parts were my shoulders. I loved doing shoulder exercises. Dumble presses, clean jerk presses, Olympic lifts, lateral raises, front raises, shrugs. Though continuous sprains & strains left them shrunk. & I would try to avoid rests as much I could. That was surely a very bad thing. Cause you need to give a muscle rest for atleast 48 hrs, to develop up. & the schedule was –
1st day – shoulder, back& abs
2nd day - chest & lower body
3rd day – biceps, triceps & abs
4th, 5th, 6th day repetitions.
7th day off.

It very hard for me to make abs. Since I had enough fat over my belly to cover up the abs muscles. I remember watching Aamir Khan exercises on tv to promote Ghajini. The Ghajini fever was there for a long time. Still I went on with crunches & leg raises.

05 gathering introduced me to the ramp. I never had a good height to lead the ramp. Only thing I could possibly excel in on-stage was the body show. Yes, it did give me a purpose for doing gym. During 05 gathering I built up like any WWE wrestler or any movie actor. Not having a well defined body. One thing was sure. Girls appreciate a lean trim body. The one having a good torso will be the show stealer. & so expectations were high on Mahajan sir. As usual the bare chest round was the last of all events. The best show. The last one, but surely not the least. It always used to be the main event of the night, kept for the end to keep the public sitted. & we reached back stage. I planned up for tattoos. Like Randy Orton. Or like Batista. Or like Sylvester in Expendables. Gajender made the Punisher Skull on my back. But the sweat alongwith body oil washed off everything.
On-stage behind the curtains, I remember Mahajan sir’s words – “see how the hooting starts. We always make the best shouts & applause. Just see the reaction of the girls.” The curtains opened. The it was as expected. But I surely panicked. I didn’t know what was going on. “Rambo, Rambo” shouts came from boys side. But “Mahajan, mahajan” shouts from girls’ side overshadowed it. I realized I was in for a competition here as well. Comparison always sets in when you place more than one bare chest on the stage. The public starts allotting marks on how good which body part looks of which bare chest. I did enjoy it very much. But I just knew, it wasn’t a good one for me. The best was yet to come. Next year. That was the 06 gathering. Our batch gathering.

& it all started over again, with my exams getting over & myself back to hardcore gym. This time it was totally hardcore. I tried to put my body to as much stress it could possibly bear. The schedules were there. So were all required tutorials for a good body. Actually I developed a perfect knowledge about body building from the book &internet. I didn’t need to go World Gym, the best gym at wardha. The gym produced champions every year. I didn’t have much money with me. One new thing I learnt by the time. To make a good body, alongwith hard exercise, what you need is ample of money also.
I did meet the world gym instructors. They also offered me guidelines. They were a lot helpful. I started with Whey proteins of British Nutrition. I didn’t need mass gainers. What I needed was pure proteins. As much protein I could pour into my body, that much better it is. Those were the words of Tushar Prem Borkar. The early reaction of proteins was truly aweful. The muscles started getting bulkier & harder. I was just loving it.
& soon I reached the very phase which bodybuilders refer to as the Plateau Stage.
No matter how hard you try, you find it very difficult to build up beyond what you have developed. It was very hard for me to get over it.

With frustration, I started creatinine. Alongwith whey. I changed the brand. This time it was Optimum, the costlier one. I was very much aware of the side effects of creatinine. Namely kidney failure. But I was prepared to take the bull by its horns. I increased my work out timings to 2-3 hrs. Increased the water intake. Avoided all junk foods. As much sprouts, chicken, eggs I could possibly take. Eggs. The worst thing about it was the yellow portion which had tremendous fat. So in the very expenses of an egg, we needed to take only the white of the egg. As time passed, I tried glutamine. I just wanted to be as heavy as I could.

On the other hand study loads were killing me. Opthal postings surely were. Morning & evening clinics. Surely not a joke to do that alongwith heavy gym work out. I needed to cut on my fat. So I took to morning running again. But the bad thing I was facing was the pain in leg due to weight liftings at gym. So knew running was going to be much helpful. I decided to take swimming instead. & thus the schedules became an absolute nightmare.
Get up early morning at 5am for gym upto 9:30. then clinics. The post lunch classes. Although I tried to bunk as much classes I could to take out time. Then back to gym at 4pm again. Then off for swimming at 5pm. From there back straight to evening clinics at 7pm. Used to come back from there by 8pm. Then dinner. & then again run for gathering practices till night 2am.

Being the fashion show in-charge was making everything even more hectic. But I loved it because I was getting to do whatever I wanted to.
As per the early plans, I was going to put a pose up like the Mr. Universe contestants –
Double biceps shot
Lats wing spread
Side triceps
Side chest
Most muscular pose
The Hulk Hogan pose down
Abs shot

The new star was Supratim Roy. He was gonna join me up on the ramp. The guy had a wonderful V shape. With his height & biceps, that guy looked like he is gonna give me a tough fight in body show. The 04 era ended out with Yogendar sir, Atul sir. The 05 batch era ended with Pawan sir & Mahajan sir. The 06 era started with Bagadiya & moved to Rambo era (myself). I had to put up a bunch of debutants who never touched the ramp before that. Girish, Ramesh, Shridhar. The real challenge was to put up Baghel for a ramp walk. Cause the guy was physically handicapped, had problem in right leg (polio). I had to create a bunch of hooligans for the success of bare chest round. Like every year, a scapegoat was required. In 05, it was Narjon sir. I brought Mahesh from 1st year. Yet he did well, inspite of the mild faults.

Overall I was looking forward to build up like a real pro bodybuilder. Like what Tushar Prem Borkar did. Ofcourse it didn’t happen in the end. People kept telling me to loose bulk & show up like Shahid Kapoor, Hrithik, Enrique, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Daniel Criag. I knew it wasn’t possible for me cause I was bulky by birth. If also to do something like that would have required me to take fat burning pills, which were very much expensive. Or do liposection like Sohail Khan, Salman Khan. I was looking forward to go onto the 2nd level of proteins – the Iso saturates. That was very costly – 3000 bucks for 1kg. Pro builders go for the 3rd level – the Super saturates. That was even costlier. & taking steroids was surely out question. I didn’t want to die.

In the end, when I could not make a dream body, I just wanted to finish the gathering anyway possible. My biceps did measure 16 inches. Normally I am 14 inches. Chest measured 45 inches. Normally it is 40. Walking straight onto the end of the ramp & making it look attractive just required a good torso, which involved chest, abs & big broad shoulders & preferably a V shape made by wide dorsi. The side intercostals & triceps added sharpness to this wonderful look. Trapezius looked good except its not too big like Brock Lesnar.

Lower body wasn’t of much importance cause we were not to show an underwear. Still we boys used to love it to wear a low waist line with the branded tag peeking out. Specially Calvin Klein & Jockey.
Body oil always was a piece of excitement for us. Although we used to use a cheap coconut oil mostly. In some cases groundnut oil.
Going out with the girls & introduction of girls in bare chest round did change the idea of bare chest round as all boys only.
I had to take care of not rubbing against the girls anywhere, otherwise the oil could definitely spoil anyone’s dress. I remember during the backstage preparations prior to the Inferno round of 05 gathering, Akshay sir kept shouting – “beware of bare chest. Their oils are making our suits dirty.”
Another problem was the smell factor. Leave it.

Backstages were like, take off the shirt, do some pumpings. You stand infront of the mirror & make your hairs. Gel & water. & the other guy would take care of your body oiling. Oils drip from everywhere. But we want even more oil. We want to create hell. Making a Spartan like look did make an innovative idea. But for that what we needed were good thighs & absolutely sharp abs with marking intercostals. So that wasn’t feasible. We preferred jeans pants. & I tried to emulate the Salman Khan clothing from Veer or the Prince of Persia stuff waxed with WWE entry & style.

& who can ever forget the the hair waxing experimients. My hairs never got out by hair remover creams. I had to use blade. The body would smoothen up, build up, shine up. As if you have become a superstar the world wants to crown. That is the the ultimate feeling to stand & keep staring at the mirror, looking at yourself, shirtless. The guts. The curves. Everything is so beautiful.

The most exhausting & exaggerating thing was to take care of your belly. No food for 2 days. Atleast on the day of bare chest round. Starve as much as you can. & that is what I did. Alongwith spend as much time as you possibly can in gym before hitting the stage.
That was the reason why I was left out totally dead after the completion of the Heaven Hell round. I finished it at 10 pm & came back to hostel with all my stuffs. Had dinner at mess. & went off to a deep sleep at 11pm. Unlike others who partied after the gathering finished at 12am & returned at 2am.

I will always miss the bare chest round at the fashion show of MGIMS annual fests. For the time being that I found my batchmates, juniors & seniors cheering loud for me. Showed me the love I had. Its like speaking up like Mickey Rourke in the movie The Wrestler – “you people are everything for me.” The whole college knew me by that identity only – Rambo. No one knows the real name – Arnab Kumar Roy. I am that fellow who walks down the ramp with big bulky muscular body, short height, dark complexion, shinning brightly with the oils & water all over the bare chest body. We evolved. It gave me a reason for a hardcore gym. The way Michael Jackson jumped out from underground on-stage at the Dangerous performance at Bucharest, the way Triple H makes his entry on the track – Time to play the Game, spitting a bottle of water. Or call it Guns n Roses performing, Axel Rose & Slash going wild, Bon Jovi rocking. Stages are really a life to live. Though I created enemity with almost half of my batchmates & didn’t expect them to howl for me, I got a clear & a hearty applause from the junior most batch to the post graduates. I remember my Fmt lecturer Dr. Vishwajeet Pawar – “when is your show? We are waiting for it. After that I will take my kids home.” A silent crowd gone wild always shakes up the stage. Your performance on the stage speaks by the reaction of the public. I wish I could have lived these moments forever. The craze for being physical is never dying. It keeps asking for more & more. At one point of time, it did come to my mind to go into this field of professional bodybuilding, cause I loved to be physical & to put up all the exertions required for being something like that. But I remember, while doing the crunches for abs, it just srtuck my mind - perhaps my father chose the best line for me. Sitting on the table & chair, with ceiling fan above & lights, yearning to be a doctor, all you got to do is study books, is far more easier than working out behind your body for perfection. Being a bodybuilder is almost close to being an artist. You become the sculptor of your own body, cutting out unwanted parts like fat, adding on the required stuffs like muscle masses, through hypertrophy. There are ways easier than to be a bodybuilder, to lead a prosperous life. Bodybuilding is surely one hell of a kind. But addiction & love knows no reason. The love to see yourself built up & the addiction for more & more. I am thankful to God for making me this much & keeping praying for more. Amen

Lonesome Clouds

“Clouds heap upon clouds & it darkens

Ah, love, why dost thou let me wait

Outside at the door all alone?

In the busy moments of the noontide work

I am with the crowd, but on this dark lonely day

It is only for thee that I hope.

If thou showest me not thy face, if thou leavest me

Wholly aside, I know not how I am to pass these

long, rainy hours.

I keep gazing on the far away gloom of the sky,

And my heart wanders wailing with the restless wind.”

                                                                                        -Tagore

These are favourite lines from Gitanjali, page no.18

Have you seen how the rainbow disappears? It becomes smaller and smaller, cutting slowly over its great length of great arched bow across the sky. And when it reaches its saturation, it starts dispersing. Just like how ice melts away. Suddenly the rainbow starts screeching out sideways. Its becomes very much apparent that the rainbow wants to go off, as it has stayed up there for a long time. It may not be long, but its always an honour for those who are lucky enough to catch the pretty glimpse of the rainbow. As it comes only in rains & that also not everytime. Only when you have rains & the sun successfully peeking out of the clouds.

“But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.”

Sung by Bill Withers. But the versions I have is one by Cat Stevens & the other one by Kenny Rogers.

Today I saw her again. & she spoke to me. What was her intention I don’t know. But it rang the rhythm again, all of a sudden. Just because I wasn’t expecting her to speak to me.

Last night was great. It did rain again alongwith a sudden storm just at the fall of the darkness. But somehow I felt that I will be able to get my friends for a dinner outside at Gulshan. And we did. Inspite of the mild shower. And the back of my white shirt got sprinkled with muddy water splashed by the bike Ankush was driving. Rathore & Abhijeet didn’t make it. So left were just four of us. Its always heartwarming to have the Sunday night out for dinner with friends. We do get a lot to share. Ankush is surely the great one. You never feel bored to be with him. Same as of Amit. They are always able to raise the toast of spirit of the company. Unless they themselves are done with sadness.

The girls took off to nagpur. & so did the Ankush girl. It was Friendship Day yesterday. & he was ringing up all his old friends. Finally he broke out at the hotel. He was feeling deserted. Just because she left him for one day. Nitesh joined in. Joining hands with Ankush, bit consoling him, bit sharing his ones. The topic was – how you feel when distance comes between you & your lover. & left were the two of us. Shridhar & myself. Surely we didn’t have anything to say. Cause we were the single ones. If also we miss someone, we don’t have any official reason to say anything about that.

& now it has started raining again. Though a milder one. The sky is down with dark clouds. Just minutes ago I saw the rainbow. Evening time. I went to the roof to dry up the sweat after gym. & before that, I watched P.S I Love You. 

Nostalgic. Surely I am.

Lovelorn. Hell I am.

Kick off love. Lets talk about home.

The train I can see far away is the Gitanjali express. Time is 6pm. It is zooming fast through the sevagram fields gone green with the rains. The train will reach Bilaspur by midnight. Feels like take a long leap like Superman from the hostel roof straight to the train top & say goodbye to college forever singing Home by Chris Daughtery.

Home is heaven. No doubt. For me. My Bilaspur is heaven. Nothing compared to that. Not that you will find any holy place out there. Or any mountain, river & any worth sight seeing spot. Its heaven for me, just because I was born & brought up there.

My house. Not my parents’ house. They want to sell it. & though I don’t agree with them, surely I can’t help it. I will always miss that place. My house is younger than me. By few months. The tree infront of the main door is as old as me for sure. It is called Jhau Gach or the Ironwood/ Beefwood. When I was young, I used to compete with it – lets see who gets taller how fast. Cause we were of same age & height. Almost. Actually the tree was shorter than me. Time passed. As I got busy with studies & didn’t even get to notice when the tree overtook me. Now it stands 12 feet tall. & I am. 5 foot 3 inches. Great.

My bicycle. Earlier one was BSA-SLR. Light’n sporty. That was what written on it. I rode it for 4 years. Where didn’t it go with me. Just like my laptop, my bicycle would surely cry – when will this kid stop torturing me? Where didn’t I take it. Places where no vehicle can possibly go. Across the farm lands. Over to the old tank. & the river Arpa. I almost tracked the whole length of it just on my bicycle. The villagers used to stare at me, thinking – this kid must have gone crazy to come this far on cycle. & the fateful accidents. It was Wednesday morning. The sweepers were sweeping brooms on street side. Shops were still to open. 7 am. I was glancing at the temple & from nowhere this 23 yrs old guy drove his scooter into my front wheels, leaving them crescent shaped. They say he was carrying 2 kids behind him, both of them were thrown away with head injury. I didn’t see any of them. Cause all I saw after the fall was that my dear cycle was crashed & I couldn’t even stand up. It was my right knee. The doctor told my father – be thankful to your son that he is healthy enough. The fat saved the patella from fracture.

It was 10^th std that I bought Hero New Devil. Thick & strong like me. It was just the kind I needed. Although I was looking for the types shown in Pacific Blue on AXN. & then again I back on the streets to set them on fire. No vehicle can back me where there are bumpers & potholes at every step. On such streets the cycle rules. Eventhough I did meet another fateful accident. Fateful because I met it a day before leaving for college. I got up cursing the bike fellow, not realizing how much hurt I was. My new pant got torn. As usual it was elbow again. And my t-shirt got red with blood from my face.

Arpa river has got full of water. On account of the check dam built few years backs. Otherwise in school days we enjoyed playing on the sandy banks of the river. 

It has got water upto the brink now. No sand now. Trees, swamp all around. Sand will be visible nearby Chouksey engineering college. It was right from there I traced it down to where it meets Hasdeo river. Gataura station was also within my reach everytime I went cycling outside Bilaspur.

As everyone else, I too miss school days. Bharat Mata days. I didn’t like primary days much. They made me the Head Boy in 5^th std. Though I hold most negligent head boy record & the most studious head boy the school ever had. 

Middle school was surely the memorable one. 8^th std was the best of all. Allover I was the big bully guy. Always beating up someone. Breaking noses & teeth were a common thing for me. Every second day complaints used to reach my parents. 10^th was the last of my school days. Kota days weren’t bed of roses. Although they were memorable, they made memories of long hard struggles.

& I miss the television at my home. The model set was Sony Trinitron 21’. When I was in my 4^th std, my grandfather bought me Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. After that I just got addicted. David Copperfield, Tale of Two Cities, Christmas Carol, Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn followed. Following them were Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice, Julius Caesar, Tempest, King Lear, R.L.Stevenson’s Treasure Island, Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes, Enid Blyton series & many more. This addiction made U turn when cable connection entered my home. Then followed WWF, Cartoon Network, HBO, Star Movies, AXN etc. Most memorable times like Tomorrow Never Dies shown on new year night of 2000, Titanic on new year night of 1999, Waterworld on 2001, watching Desperados at midnight, the track from Gangs of New York – Hands that built America by U2, the WWF six man cage fight between Rock, Austin, Brock Lesnar, Undertaker, Kurt Angle, Triple H, batman spiderman Xmen cartoons always make me homesick. Mtv videos of Bailamos, Nsync’s Bye Bye Bye always made classroom discussions. My dad used to take me to theatres for movies like Anaconda, Jurassic Park. My mom hated them.

Another thing to miss is the Durga Puja of Bilaspur. Over 500 pandals by more than 1 lakh Bengalis & others. The sound of the dhols. The pushpanjali. The early morning chants on Mahalaya. The rush for the bhog. The crowded evening streets. The long night traffic on the lighted streets. & then the immersion in river Arpa. Then came Dushera. Dad used to take me to the stadium to see the big burning Raavan. Then came the cold nights illuminated in diwali. Following them were shivering winters. Then the spring. Spring used to be truly beautiful in Bilaspur. We used to get long Christmas vacations coz ours was a missionary school. Then holi. Then deadly summers. The noon sun of May month could kill anyone. Then came rains. 10 days of total nonstop rainfall with no view of the sun for 3weeks. & then autumn leaves fall.

The clouds of Bilaspur always made the best shapes I have ever seen till now. The western skies. I always ended the whole day gazing at it only. Reason being, mornings too busy to see the east. & the back of our house was built in a totally open space. All my dreams, wishes, frustrations would be shared by me with the western sky only. I was 12 years old, when we got the view of Saturn, Jupiter in the sky. They would shine like the brightest star ever.

My study chair & table. Actually it was the dinning chair & table & dinning room where I used to study. 

& my mom used to cook foods in the kitchen right infront, checking over me every minute. The windows on my side showed the sky straight. My surroundings used to kind off huts or cottages, u can’t exactly call it slum. They were the working class laborers. So whenever a kid was born in their community, or any occasions like marriages, they used to blast music. The chattishgariya songs mostly. Sometimes good hindi songs. I miss the spring time of class 8, when nearby some good household was celebrating by playing the indipop songs. The weather used to be mild, windy, with the songs of Adnan Sami & Sonu Nigam.

Of my friends, I miss Abhinav & Pranay the most. Though presently, my parents like the 1^st one but hate the 2^nd one. I remember, back in kota, after exams I went to meet pranay at talwandi circle without telling my guardians & all hell broke loose. The DIG of kota police leapt into action coz I went missing for 6 hrs. Back at school, me & abhinav formed the boyzone group, which the girls reffered to as bal brahmacharis. Coz our anthem was not to be in touch with any girl. The guy breaking the rule would be put out of the group. & surely the group worked well coz we had the most powerful ones, physically & in studies as well. After we left school, surely the teenage excitement set in. That was one hell of a thing we missed in kota.

Days have gone. Everyone has undergone unexpected changes. May be more changes are yet to come. Till the time life is, we keep growing & aging, & things keep happening. Nothing is static for sure.

So. Its still raining here. I guess it will rain whole night.

Lets stop here. Will write again later. Gotta study now.

My Love

I am writing a love poem. Can someone believe it. Last time I wrote of love was in Love Actually. And I, actually wrote this one way back in the days of my 12th standard. It was spring season. And I saw someone on the streets, just before entering the quarters where we guys used to stay as paying guests in Kota. It was normal for us coz we would always land up staring upon awesome looking girls everytime we were on the streets. The streets of Kota are just like that. I don’t know how they are now there.
And why I put up this poem on my blog, is just because a great friend of mine made an expression like this – “I didn’t know ur English is so good.” They made some English section incharges in the college magazine. I still burn when see those names, not only names, they gave photos too, in their everlasting magazine. Great work brothers. Well, I am not blaming anyone. & I should not blame also. Coz these were the people who fought hard in college elections. So they deserve to take some good posts, doesn’t matter even if it appears a crap on them. Surely looks childish enough.
This poem bloomed from where all of a sudden, I don’t know. Those were surely the days when I still studied the subject English at school. So there was enough exposure to literature everytime. But right from the time I left school, I lost the magic touch of the beauty of English language. I stopped reading novels. Nowadays, very often, if also I can take out time, I would land up with the modern literature. You know. Everyone knows. Dan Brown, Stephenie Meyer [twilight series], Paulo Coelho, J.K Rowling [harry potter]. I always miss the Shakespearean style, Wordsworth, Tennyson, Byron, Keats & yeah, Tagore for sure. I try to turn the pages of Gitanjali whenever I find time. My language did undergo impact of modern western songs, be it rap or romantic or rock.
The following poem, My Love, name is derived from the Westlife song. I happened to open up my diary after 5years I wrote it. Believe it or not, but I forgot the meanings of most the words & phrases in it. I can’t believe, I wrote it once. I feel sad to loose the capability to write, I had in my school days. Anyways. Here is it-

I wonder for the day,
When my heart will speak to thine.
I wonder for the day,

Find symphony to song of mine.    

Night passed as I went on,
Lost senses in your sensational spell,
Glides across stars with breeze,
Your resplendent beauty is invincible.

My heart stolen by you,
Let it be stolen forever.
My dreams raided by you,
Let them flourish in your flair.

My heart is blown in your love,
Let it be blown forever.
I succeeded but not will you,
Have me or my heart discovered.

You lit the flame of my dreams,
Your mystique blinks stole that of mine.
My ode went on to encapsulate you,   
I left awestruck by charisma of thine.    

I still stand on banks of your rainbow,
Not for cladeance but for salvation.
I became delirious by your demeanour,
Gladiolus or Delphidium or mirage, just confusion.

For my love will never shed,
My heart ever greened by you.
Promise to be my love,
Hope my dreams come true.

I lay my life in your hands,
And wish my love will speak.

And tell this world, true love,   
Is invulnerable to their critics.

Perhaps I were born to witness,
The beauty the universe claims for.
You are the reason history reborn,
The elegance of creation is your.

I wish Him to make my love,
Immortal and enlive through generations.
You enlive my heart to die for you,
Just tell me the reason.

Seraphic seraphs sing serenade,
That’s my symphony of love vehemently.
Through thick and thin, my heart will,
Follow you, from now to eternity.

My heart missed a beat, knew nothing,
To say, when saw you first smiling.
The love bird flew past me,
Set verbatim of passion beatings.

Needless to say, you are,
The supreme blend of human passion.
Kept me waiting with heartache,
So long, tell me the reason.

How longer glimpse your glint,
Can’t help with glance.
If not fate bring you to me,
Dreams will fulfill your absence.

The pageant like your charisma,

To zenith you sent me.  
Is ineffable the desire,
For delectable enchantress like thee.

Autumn follows rains,
And spring followed winter.
But I wish not to see,
My love change anyway similar.

Your obsession ate my heart out,
But you stood up for me.
You did me good turn,
You turned over a new leaf for me.

I am Herculean for ascent of my love,
Serene Ostentations are as genuine.
I am Herculean to take bulls by horns,
Only to be gazed by your sheen.

Don’t make me called Love Lorn,
Don’t make me Sick of Love.
Made me called Love Fanatic,
You made me Connoisseur of Love.

You ran over my heart,
and my heart flew like a bird.
Many things hit upon me,
But couldn’t say a word.

I would cry for a moment,
To have you on my side.
Its desire of my soul,
Which I always can’t hide.

Wish your endurance and breath-taking,
Flash a right-handed compliment.
Hope you not will o’ the wisp,
Ofcourse not heaven such sent.

You turned me in high spirits,
And I got lost in brown studies.

As breeze blew you sensation,         
Watched my love in midst of flower valleys.

Your tiara is the crown of universe,
Illuminate the twilight with your radiance.
Sanctify me with your gestures,
Wonder the clandestine of your elegance.

You are narssicus of all seasons,
Yet you are not the narssicist.
Your eyes are telepathic of love,
Makes me impatient for your visit.

You adorn the meadows into blossom dales,
And track the crowd into carnival.
Your eyes can overshadow the sun,
Smile eternally and my zeal goes perpetual.

I flew across the sky,
With the wings of desire.
I swam across the oceans,
For one who left me to admire.

Your beauty can be explained,    
By butterflies and nightingale.
Your mind-blowing presence sets,
Beauty of Pansy Camelia mingle.

It’s the prelude of my love,
Did you like my pedantic.
This extempore is just prologue,
As you made me love’s hectic.

You are amiable and amicable,
At premium painted town red.
You live and glow in the very,
Nature’s every hue and shade.

First sight of yours was like reflections,
Of Valleys of Alps and Himalayas.
As if like the white snow,
Sprinkled over colorful flowery areas.

Like that are your glimpse,
Which appear to be light of universe.
Oh! This passion you generated,
Would sing away with romantic verse.

Oh my love! I laid down,
My arms to your charmness.
Wore my heart to sleeves,
Tried to silhouette your grace.

I am lost in translation,
Of your beauty into my language.
Love strides in arms, not eyes,
Love is madness without edge.

For love is blind,
And Shakespeare is true.
For innocence knows nothing,
Shelley would be victimized too.

Please don’t leave me,
A dreary heart thirsty.

Let a soul hail away,      
With a smile for your beauty.

Please don’t dismay me,
Beauty you can’t hide.
What’s true, can’t conceal,
You cover rose, smell will fly.

I came through a path,
Where I saw you.
I shall go away on same,
Appreciating beauty is true.

Don’t reflect it back,
For it will break something.
Enjoy praises offered by,
A stranger with nothing.

So let me breath,
In your ardour of gorgeousness.
So let me live,
In glitterings of your loveliness.

I see you in my prayers,
An angel you may be.
The moment I first saw you,
Knew my heart wouldn’t be free.

Forgive Cupid for his arrow,
Had my heart victimized.

But for entangling me in love’s maze, 
You ought to be prized.

For your presence is like,
A spell casted by Thee.
For am gone where unknown,
As heart knows its authencity.

Tell me from where you came,
For you stole me heart away.
Like fairies visiting dreams,
Like no lyric can ever display.

How can a lyric describe you,
For didn’t give a chance to analyse.
Easily had everyone bewitched,
This mischief for you is too nice.

Oh dear! You reign over hearts,
As if Helen is reincarnated.
Even moon stars left ashamed,
For venus had saluted.

You fluttered eyelashes at me,
Rang a rhythm in my heart so divine.
Knocked an adoration in my heart,
Which evolved wings to fly across your love’s shrine.

I try to get upto your coyness,
And end up to your vanity.
Forgive my foray in your perfection,
But can’t stop at you, dainty.

Look, the stars peeping out,
To catch your lips’ smile.
Stopped blinking to stare at you,
So did your eyes so agile.

Everyday the dawn greets sun,
To bloom your grace.
In the moonlight you appear,
Like marble beacons on bays.

Let the birds sing paene,
And flowers bloom in your presence.
Let the spirits be delighted,
With zephyr of your fragrance.

Your appearance at morn,
Make others in world go insane.
Like the blend of sunflowers,
At the rise of sun from orient.

Your eyes are mersmerizing,
Like dew drops on leaves as shining pearls.
You have frosted my imagination,
Proliferates charmness your silken curls.

Please Say No To Plagiarism And Piracy. Coz the original poem is still in my diary with 65 stanzas. So the actual poem is still longer than this one.

The Midnight Blog

Another night. Another segment. Thoughts always keep flowing. Specially the surge of writing blogs. Rains are trying to pour in. As I keep sweating under the ceiling fan. Summer hasn’t left yet. The bird has started chirping. This bird always disturbed my late night sleep onset from the windows of C29, my hostel room. I don’t know this bird’s name even.

Its 2am on 1^st july, 2010. Today is Doctor’s Day. Just another day in paradise in mbbs life. I just finished the exams and came back home. Exams finish and leave the tension of results. For me, results are like another pieces of death blow coming to a dead man. Well. I can’t wash off the feeling so easily. The remorses never wash away. Here in medical college. Striving hard with this medical life. I don’t know how long will I get to go. Failure after failures keep pressing me. Again and again. A moment I try to look on the other side the window pane and the whiplash comes thundering on my back, leaving me dead for another setback.

1^st year exams were of a hell kind. Surely the fault was of mine only. You fail in exams because u r unable to fill up d paper upto the mark. And u fail to do that only when u don’t know what to write. That’s simply because U DIDN’T STUDY, DUDE.

Yup. I did waste a lot of time in my 1^st year. And the outcome was shown by the results. It was somehow expected. But what I didn’t expect were the circumstances out of it. Loosing your regular batchmates was one of a hell experience.

The second feeling pours in, when u get the reaction from the faces of the people around u. The inner soul speaks within itself – u r weak. Inferior.

But the best thing is – u got an experience which they couldn’t get. U lost. They didn’t. And what the hell do I want to say. Failing is not a good thing. Never.

The way I used to reply back was by saying – “Hey u. Yes. I am speaking to u asshole. Look I failed. Do u have d guts to do that?”

The other guy used to think that I have gone crazy. No one can have a reply to such a statement.

Every exam does leave a chance to think a same way till results are declared. 2^nd year exams was all about my attendance. I was damn prepared with studies. I was expecting a good result, with good marks. But the marks showed otherwise. We passed. But marks weren’t upto the expectations. A friend of mine kept crying for low marks. I just smiled back. Proudly felt – we are the condemned ones. God did create us. But left us to feel some pains.

Condemned was the word token for us by a… let me call that old bastard a son of a bitch. That fucking old man is an emeritus professor at my college. I happened to meet that asshole at clinics. They say he is a great surgeon. All we wonder is – is this what 15 years of long studious life makes the kind of a doctor cum professor out of a man. Always running to kick some student’s ass. What hell kind of a sadist.

Anyway. Leave those assholes to wasteland. I was speaking about myself. Hope everyone has heard of the saying – Never take life way too seriously. Life is too short to be taken that way. I always end up looking at a new kind of a character at hostel. And I keep wondering – look at this piece of bastard. They are all medicos. Someday I will also land up becoming someone like one of them. But no. I want to be way different. Of my own kind. The way I always wanted to be.

Yaa. Surely. My friend Shashwat once said on phone – “dude, I have seen doctors. We know how medical students are like. But looking at ur orkut photos makes us think otherwise.” I just replied – all it needs is a hell of a struggle when the things don’t go ur way.

3^rd year exams. I just finished them. This year I worked too much at gym. Hardcore gym workouts leave u no where to perform ur next activity with full concentration. Coz u don’t have much left in u till then. Call it addiction. Call it self destruction. But I just want to do it.

I don’t know much of the coming results. Nor do I want to predict on it. I gave an ophthalmology viva that lasted for 75 mints. All other students walked out of the minor O.T, not more than 40 mints. I was allover sweaty inside the air conditioned room. Suffered what they call as Mind Block. I answered anything. Some were total bullshit. But the external wouldn’t let me go. And I left one long question on community medicine. What hurts worse is that I didn’t realize I am leaving the question whose answer I already knew. Reminds me very much of 1^st year anatomy paper.

Well. Will see to it. Whatever comes. We will face it. Have always faced it. That’s what life is. It always tells you to move on. Man can get adapted to any kind of circumstance. Be it the worst. Afterall what all these years of gym has done to you if haven’t yet learnt how to take a blow. Days in Kota. Exams on every 14^th day. I tried my very best to make up my rank. Most of the times I would be left dejected. After 2 years of struggle I turned like – “I don’t give a damn shit what rank they give me.” Then came one year of drop, staying back at home. 12^th school results weren’t good either. I was just on the verge of loosing another year, when I got through into this college. The sun showed out of the clouds of frustration.

And then I come here. I thought life would be a bit different. School life was like u r on a racing track. U got to keep running. 10 years. Early morning wake ups, then school, got to answer all class questions, come back, even if u sleep, u got to live life alongwith the minute hand of the clock. Books. Everywhere. Sukanya ma’am tried to teach me otherwise – “Arnab, don’t live ur life as a bookworm.” & I would reply – “I am giving u top ranks, then why r u worried about me?” Yup. I did try to follow her kindful & dearful advice after coming to college. But when my 1^st year results showed, I silently said to myself – “boy, u have to go back to ur old style. Life hasn’t changed.”

And I don’t want to sing – give me some sunshine, give me some rain. Nope. Not at all.

If times are hard for u, u shouldn’t expect sunshine & rain from ur ugly fate. I will love to shout back at my bad fate – “Is this all u have got? Is this the limit of how much u can make me suffer? I still have life left in me. I can still fight back.”

Setbacks are surely to continue. They want me to give my 100% into one particular direction. And when don’t do that, I am prone to failure. It is the truth. Even if I am still standing on some point of success & looking at some of my old friends’ present conditions, makes me think how much God has blessed me. When I decide to take a chance, I surely pave an open road for disappointment alongwith a road for gold. I fail, fault is definitely mine. Blame should never b d game. Above all, things I have learnt, be true to yourself, be good, do good. I have taken chances. Maybe I will be taking again. One big blow of failure sets me straight on single track with my soul telling me - straighten up, otherwise something worse will follow. With a heavy heart I walk on that road. For sometime. And then again. As time heals the pain away completely, the mind wants to sing & dance again. Fear always lunges at one end. The fear of another failure. & the pain alongwith it. & the funniest thing is that the heart sings even when its sad. “Sweetest are the songs of a nightingale when it is sad.”- Keats.

Whatever. God delivered me on this earth as a man. And now am standing, with my muscular body [coz I never skip gym], will-be-doctor someday, struggling with studies, with my parents, friends & dear ones. I don’t think books will ever leave me. I just say – DIVINE LORD, BLESS ME…