R.I.P HP 500

My laptop was declared dead last evening. 6 years with it. When I bought it, I shouted at my dad so much - 'u bought me a cheap one, u bought me a cheap one.' No doubt it was a cheap one, 35,000, six years back. But practically, my laptop was the best I have ever seen anywhere. The hp people could put an ad on how much a laptop can endure hardcore rough users. Guess mine was the best in the whole hostel. Mine was the one which sent sms during exam time, mine was the one used in 2 gatherings, mine was the one which downloaded the maximum movies & songs in the whole hostel, surely my laptop witnessed the biggest addict of facebook, surely me.

Now, working on Akash's laptop. Dude got exams. Rishi just left. It was a cold evening today.
&, I, fell off bike twice in past 15 days.
I love biking. Not slow biking. Fast & rash biking. Just like my old cycling days. 125 kmph, even Akash hadn't driven his bike ever at that speed, that too on Nagpur highway, where overtaking is a mess. Did have to get off the road many times when the front heavy vehicles wouldn't give side while overtaking each other. Just that, this time the off road had a pit. Ofcourse the fault was in my judgement - 'lets fly over it with full speed.' It didn't work that way. Lucky thing, didn't have bottles in my bag. Though loaded 4 bumpers from Saqui, after the accident, something Tarun sir would say - 'Jazba hai...'
Our accidents are mostly like, fall down, get up, clean off the dirt, 'will see after reaching hostel, what all has happened.'
So till now, my list of accidents at college life-
1. Rathore driving, me sitting at back seat.
2. Myself, alone on Dad's scooter, at home.
3. Anurag driving, me sitting at back seat.
4. Myself driving Karizma, Avinash tiwari on back seat.
5. Vinit mishra driving, me on back seat.
6. Myself, alone on Pulsar 180.
7. Myself, on Avenger, Vedant on back seat.

Can't wipe off Anurag's list though. His list - fall at nagpur from avenger, fall at doctor's colony while saving a puppy, fall infront of Ich at 11:30 pm, fall with me near ganesh talkies & many more. The biggest of his accidents was surely the one in front of girl's hostel gate, leaving marks on his face.

So, this is how my plans of going to Jabalpur get cancelled. I want to live a peaceful life now. Someday I will buy a bike, & then will go on a long long drive. Bit like the The Motor Cycle Diaries of Che Guevara.

Feeling like I am loosing the ambiance of drinking. First time I drank, no, my birthday wasn't the day, or maybe, first time I tasted alcohol was with Amit Mohit Kawalkar at La Horee. That was just a breezer, then 1 peg vodka & 1 peg whisky, fully diluted. Officially how I drank my gulp for the first time was, 30 december, 2010, two bottles strong beer, 7 pegs whisky, 2 pegs rum, 1 shot tequilla, followed by incessant vomiting & drama whole night, with an english conversation with a beggar & his street dog at night 1:00 am, running on the street wherever the bike stopped. Madness. How can I one not forget the acts of Ankush when he drank on new year night at Nagpur. Ankush was considered one of the very toughest drinkers of our group. God knows how many pegs made an elephant like him unconscious. Drinking with 07 batch is far enjoying than drinking with 06 people. Taak, if anyone I ever saw getting literally 'stoned' after rum, then that would be him. He slept with eyes open whole night.

Whatever.


Hoping for a big match to watch tonight, Germany vs Italy. Germany became my favorite after I watched the side during the world cup. The team really contains talent at every position. Otherwise, me, a hardcore Brazilian fan. During the 4 R days Brazil (ronaldo, rivaldo, ronaldinho, roberto), the only player I knew of Germany was the great Oliver Kahn. After him, when did the Ballack era come & go, didn't get any notice only.

For me, now, the best team, on paper, in the world, is no doubt, Germany. Be it the the forwards, Klose, Podolski, Schweinstiger, be it the middle, Ozil, my fav, Khedira, defense, Lahm, Boateng, Mertesacker. The best thing about the germans is that their substitutes are also the finest, Kroos, Reus, Jansen, Muller, Gomez, Schuller & many more. Euro did occupy me somehow after Ipl left. Surprisingly, in football, the club matches carry more frenzy than the international matches, for cricket its just the opposite. & for me its allover contrary. For me the Kolkata Knight Riders mean more than the Indian cricket team. & Germany matters more than Bayern Munich, England over Manchester United, Spain over Real Madrid.

Waiting for the T20 Champions League. Was a time when the Knight Riders had the Gayle storm, Maccullum, Akhtar certainly went away with Pakistan. Yet they lacked the T20 game pattern. Alloha now. Whom will ya get over cause the whole team contains talent. Striker in opening, Bisla, MacCullum, striker in  middle, Pathan, best steady players, Kallis, Gambhir, Tiwari, class allrounders, Shakib, Kallis, Ryan speedsters Lee, Lange, Pattinson, & come in with the master spinners Narine, Iqbal. On paper, the team in the best, just like the German national football team.

What else.
Again sad. Rishi came & went. Reminded again what his company meant to me. Dude made it up to IIT Mumbai. Last night, over the Sawangi fly over, he said - "see, this what I told you, wait & see how the story ends." I was left wondering - 'what story ended where ???' 'Ok, he got selected.' Wondering when will I get selected.

Planning for a new laptop now. No stipends yet.

Blog writing is more of a kind diary writing for me. Referred by Vinit mishra.
This post was just a time pass one. Didn't get anything better to do after Rishi left, & myself sitting, trying to  dry the wounds as soon as possible. The joints still pain. Can't lift up my causal weights at gym till now, since the bike stunt. Some of the best articles were written in recent last posts, containing one freaky poem. He he he. I always wanted to write something like that, more of the kind motivated from the Critical History of Modern Literature.

'Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought'
       - To A Skylark, Shelley

Don't read it

I scorched myself with the bass of yer music,

Apprise ya darling, I hadn't, nor I would have surmounted from my sepulcher, six feet under.

Ain't I sure if really was I six feet under,

or was I flustered with the banishment for being with a forlorn yearning.

Writhed so much with reparation of my horse feathers,

For my feathers bestowed me with reveries of flying.

For I was hovering where even the angels fear to tread,

Christen me no frail, albeit I was wavering in your frenetic downpour,

Ratherish I deem the tenacious as languid as the limp.

They, reapers on avaricious echelons,

Trifling are their ciphers, undeterred by days of yore.

What does a man render of his prodigiousness,

When even a slender slur of his maximis wafts obloquy.

Pardon my forbearance at vilifying the very act of man,

Cause I still wither in dialectics of those three words,

Scarred with the mortal melancholies, the society inbred,

Part of it, I still knock Him,

As I infer all reasons senseless over the very reason of mine,

As I depreciated, I found the petals even in the dirt,

As I spawned the jester in me, the flock sniggled,

Snickered over the imbecilic rhymes of mine,

As the rhymes themselves rolled in the aisles,

Aisles already derogated with outbursts of ardor.

They connoted it with codicils of indocile proneness,

Clauses, of which I still leer, wavering not to be deluded again.

As I try to characterize the man in me,

As I find pretty lot of flaws in me,

The flaws, which partly annotate the karma of the three words.
Hereafter I stay, calm, as I try to reciprocate the old lang syne,
Sometimes it makes us smile, sometime sore, sometime sigh,
Thou shall rise again, shall rule again, shall rejoice again,
Shall recite fables of the elegant enchantress,
Who swayed seasoned stints into a tempest.
How can I not reminisce the winter tide,
When I hauled in haven in the bright sunshine,
I did yodel in the doped gurgle of the bottle,
But ain't I sing the blues of the frame of minds,
Rather I smile on for the beatifying of the man in me,
For I am versed with the adorableness of thine,
For I discerned the winsomeness can't be countersigned anywhere,
Yet be it the stars or the spirits in their own accordance,
I am just a man, mortal in all my finesse,
I shall breathe the reverence of yer verve,
And being with it, I shall crown the spire of this noel,
If thou stumble upon to leaf through this aria of mine,
Do bear in  mind, I dawned into this labyrinthine,
When you whined your swan song,
And I couldn't sit still for the so long,
Cause I still, I don't know how, but I do...
Dumbfounds me as well

Let it Rain

This was a really a.... I don't know the perfect word to describe this summer. Probably coz I never before did internship in a summer season. Just kidding. 48 degrees wasn't a joke. & in that heat, handle the motherfucker pgs of mgims. Better handle a street dog than working with these non-sense staff of this college.
Now if ever again my mom tells me - 'look, a surgeon. Look, a pediatrician', am gonna fire back - 'enough seen such idiots. Know how junky they are.'

Medicine posting was really a hell of a mess. 'Pata hai peechle 3 din se mujhe sone ko nahi mila.'
I would reply back at such utterly crapshit pgs - 'maine kahaa tha md medicine karne ko???'
Rather I fought with not only pgs, even those low-shitty nurses & even patients. So much that if now I ever happen to speak nicely to any patient anywhere, I feel surprised at myself - 'how can I be so benevolent!'

Opthal, perhaps the best posting till now for me. So sweet of u, the pgs of opthalmology. & that obnoxious shukla & shukli. Even hell would feel ashamed at these two creatures.

I want to go to Kolkata. Its been a long time. The arrival of rain in Kolkata is very beautiful. The view of the Howrah bridge underneath the dark monsoon clouds in evening from the AJC flyover, across the maidan, that was really beautiful. Pardon the humidity of Kolkata though. No. No mercy for that.
Hmmm. KKR won. SRK's team finally did it. Remember those old days when KKR would feed continuously at the bottom of the tables. 5 years it took to make a rotten team, an IPL champ. It was really demoniac to face the crowd of tv room this year. Didn't see Pattinson bowl though. I would have preferred him over De Lange. & the mystery man - Narine, surely no words for him.

Heard that our stipend increased. Wanna buy mobile. Wanna save money for bike. So many wishes with such a small amount. Probably the last time of sitting and going on with the flow. After internship, bad times are coming surely. What am I gonna do, will see. Will try to endure it all.

Akash gone Tirupati. Have taken everything from him. Am riding his bike, staying in his room, using his laptop. This summer not only disabled me from staying in my room, but also burnt down my laptop.

Planning a bike trip to Jabalpur. Let it rain first. Am biking a lot nowadays. & am truly loving it. Still not perfected absolutely with slow biking. Highway biking is pleasure though.

What else to update. Don't feel much of updating nowadays.
Fired her from my fb friend list. Took almost one whole sleepless night to do that.
"and it was better if you resisted just a little more & took it all to your grave."
What kind of line is that! Scoffing scornful sneer.

Just keep speaking to myself - 'whatever I did was right. Maybe whatever happened was wrong. Maybe I suffered. Maybe I could have neither rendered more nor endured more. But whatever. Maybe I just got left out to be just myself. Some say I was wrong, some say I was mad, some say I was stupid. How long will you lead a life full of sensibilities & virtues. Maybe it all had to come this way only. In the end, that's what defines you. Me. I know I was completely in my senses throughout the time. Just didn't have enough strength to stand up strong against that very frenetic wind.'
Whispering the wise lines of Axl Rose - "Cause nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain."

Will wish for the studies to go rightly now. I get totally massacred when I try to figure out what to study & what not. Cause its simply too much. Am just hanging across the loose end of the thread.

12th March, 2012

Sitting on the Sawangi fly-over, kept gazing at the rear lights of the train, as the Nagpur-Pune Superfast rode into the darkness.
Just then the phone rang. Vinit Mishra called up - "Where are you?"
"Wait for sometime, I am coming."

The day was a crazy piece. Waking up in the morning with the nightmare, 'what if she doesn't accept.'
Whole day passed like, 'Ok, she will call, some sms will come. She said that she will tell before leaving.'
But no.
Left Swapnil at the wards, saying that the network doesn't come in the wards, I am going to the OPD.
Even got a chance to visit GOPD, hoping to get a glimpse of her, but no.
Left the wards early at 4:30 pm, ran away without informing the pgs. 'Today, won't do gym.'
From the heart, knew how the evening was gonna pass.
At ICH, Mishra came running - "Arnab sir, what happened? Gave it to her?"
The dude almost frustrated me. Came back to room. Thoughts were running wild in the head. Closed the eyes & said - "Lets do it."
She said to wait till 6 pm. Said ok. Vedant shows up at the door - "sir aaj gym nahi chaloge?" "Nope."
Kawalkar turns up. Passing time. This talk, that talk. Its 6:25 pm. The phone rings. Time to drive off Kawalkar. Unlike last time, Kawalkar doesn't play mind games much, leaves easily. Me, got dressed, packed the bag. Lets go.
I always hated the ICH scenario. Remembered the last time I went to handover to her the last gift, Baghel was with me. Baghel kept insisting - "Go ahead alone, am not coming." This time it was just me.
No signs of her infront of the GH. Was just gonna ring her, when she showed up, with her big battalion. Was wondering - 'How to face the rest of the crowd?' Thanks to Nikita for pulling back one junior.

She came with her handbag. Hi Hello & all that. Those things weren't going into my mind only. Opened my bag.
"This is for you."
"What is there in it?"
"See it for yourself."
"Wait. I also have something for you."
Yeah. There had to be something for sure. & came out one Cadbury's chocolate. I couldn't stop my laughter.
"Bye Arnab. Take care..."
I can't recall what else she spoke. I guess I just said - "Tata." & perhaps "Happy Journey."

Turned back.
Did I see her for the last time? Nope. She is gonna comeback for some sign in fmt. & definitely we will see her wedding pics on facebook, just if she doesn't remove me from her friend list.
Dude, I didn't even get invited. Perhaps she was wise enough not to invite me. Or I was lucky enough not to get invited. Or crude enough not to be there in an invitation list where most of my friends were & them telling me - "tera naam nahi hai!"
Gossips just go on, saying, 'I will go.' 'I won't go.' With their respective reasons of going or not going to the wedding. Hardly matters for me, who goes & who doesn't. Perhaps I should wish for everyone to go, & shower their countless blessings for a happily wedded life ever after.

Todays thanks to Nilesh for his bike. I never drove a wilder way as I drove a bike today evening. & where was I going in such a hurry. Definitely not to the Wardha station to face a chirping crowd, showing their teeth, & all blah blah blah blah, & 'ma'am going for Chicago, or New York, or whatever.' 'Do come to marriage.' 'Yeah meet you there.' & her, usual lines, which go with - "Actually............."

Hmmmmmmmmmm...........................
Whatever.
Wasn't sure about where was I gonna rush with the bike. Put some petrol, met Supratim. Bastard kept telling me - "You must be going to somewhere you are not willing to tell."
Left him also behind.
Headed for the other end of the Wardha station. Ran up the stairs of the foot-over bridge. Heart beat was pounding. Some local train had come. Knew the departure time of Nagpur Pune is at 7:45 pm. Looked at the crowd at the platform. There wasn't any plus point for me to show up there. Came back to the bike stand. Drove away to the Sawangi fly over. Sat there. & waited.
The heavy loaded vehicles were creating nuisance today.

Lord knows what it felt like out there.

The train did come late, as expected. It passed like anything, with a super speed.
The phone rang. Some sms came. It was from her.
"Have a great life ahead." "All the best with your future." Am pissed with those lines.

The Titan Raga had cost some 2350 rs. Cheap one. Titan Ragas start at the price of 1500 rs. The best one, the one I really wanted to buy was 9000 rs. something. But definitely the money is not mine. Its all dad's money. They knew I would do something crazy with the money once I pass the final year. Mom kept a strict check on my pocket money. With what fucking face would I have demanded money from them either, after failing twice. It took so much to clear mbbs. My first stipend hasn't come yet, cause am still in the middle of the very 1st month. Dad's gonna retire soon too. What then! My future pg degree is also at a great stake. Couldn't even give treat to some of the best buddies like Amit Singh, Ankush, Rishi, Mohit, Steve... They all left. Gonna meet them all, stay in touch with all of them, no matter what. But what about this girl. Am never gonna meet her again. Neither would she ever wanna meet me certainly. I just wanted to give the very best I could. Just wish had I passed the final year in my first attempt. The 9000 rs. stuff was the deal then. I just couldn't do it.
Day before someone tells me they are buying a lehenga worth 80,000 rs. & then a trip to fucking USA.
Look my dear Mom, what all money can do. This dummy 2000 rs. watch is nothing infront of what she is gonna get.

Caught again in some pessimistic talk about money. Silly shit.

For the moment, I would like to finish this 12th March article.

Felt it deep inside, while sitting on the fly over, staring at the bright head-lights of the train coming towards me, 'What is it like to love someone who doesn't want to love you.'
She called it 'The Non-Receiving End'.
He he he

But whatever she was. She was great. Anything I would always be grateful to her, would be for her some futile attempts to continue to remain friends with me. She was certainly one of the best things that happened to me. Hardly matters my flunks & drops. Thats how they complete you. They can complete you even through their contempts for you. She will be missed. Remember back her lines - "We like to be missed by someone whom we miss." Surely. She is missing her best man. Hope for a great ceremony with her best man. May the best man remain best forever. What else. May she get all the happiness that she wishes for. Lord bless ya.

I don't want to sing 'Someone like you' of Adele, for her, like what I was listening to while smoking hookah (couldn't find a better song at that time) tonight. Someone like you, definitely not. Someone better than, I don't think it will work. Someone worse than you will definitely never be considered only.
If someone comes & tells me - 'You are good, you will get better.' I would simply reply back - "She was the best, whatever she did, whatever she was. Simply the best."

Back to sleeping with the tube-lights on. Last time I did this, Amit kept shouting at me why I kept the lights on whole night. There is certainly no-one to shout at me now.

Song for this article, there are countless songs. Play Bill Wither's Ain't No Sunshine When She Is Gone. Although I won't be playing any song now. Annhhnaaa... Maybe the song Emptiness will soothe me. 25th december was such a terrible time. A time with tons of foolishness. If someone tolerated those foolishness of mine, I would again be thankful to her.

Well, tonight, it rained.
I pray, that the sun comes out bright tomorrow morning. I don't wanna see a cloudy sky to start with.