The Midnight Blog

Another night. Another segment. Thoughts always keep flowing. Specially the surge of writing blogs. Rains are trying to pour in. As I keep sweating under the ceiling fan. Summer hasn’t left yet. The bird has started chirping. This bird always disturbed my late night sleep onset from the windows of C29, my hostel room. I don’t know this bird’s name even.

Its 2am on 1^st july, 2010. Today is Doctor’s Day. Just another day in paradise in mbbs life. I just finished the exams and came back home. Exams finish and leave the tension of results. For me, results are like another pieces of death blow coming to a dead man. Well. I can’t wash off the feeling so easily. The remorses never wash away. Here in medical college. Striving hard with this medical life. I don’t know how long will I get to go. Failure after failures keep pressing me. Again and again. A moment I try to look on the other side the window pane and the whiplash comes thundering on my back, leaving me dead for another setback.

1^st year exams were of a hell kind. Surely the fault was of mine only. You fail in exams because u r unable to fill up d paper upto the mark. And u fail to do that only when u don’t know what to write. That’s simply because U DIDN’T STUDY, DUDE.

Yup. I did waste a lot of time in my 1^st year. And the outcome was shown by the results. It was somehow expected. But what I didn’t expect were the circumstances out of it. Loosing your regular batchmates was one of a hell experience.

The second feeling pours in, when u get the reaction from the faces of the people around u. The inner soul speaks within itself – u r weak. Inferior.

But the best thing is – u got an experience which they couldn’t get. U lost. They didn’t. And what the hell do I want to say. Failing is not a good thing. Never.

The way I used to reply back was by saying – “Hey u. Yes. I am speaking to u asshole. Look I failed. Do u have d guts to do that?”

The other guy used to think that I have gone crazy. No one can have a reply to such a statement.

Every exam does leave a chance to think a same way till results are declared. 2^nd year exams was all about my attendance. I was damn prepared with studies. I was expecting a good result, with good marks. But the marks showed otherwise. We passed. But marks weren’t upto the expectations. A friend of mine kept crying for low marks. I just smiled back. Proudly felt – we are the condemned ones. God did create us. But left us to feel some pains.

Condemned was the word token for us by a… let me call that old bastard a son of a bitch. That fucking old man is an emeritus professor at my college. I happened to meet that asshole at clinics. They say he is a great surgeon. All we wonder is – is this what 15 years of long studious life makes the kind of a doctor cum professor out of a man. Always running to kick some student’s ass. What hell kind of a sadist.

Anyway. Leave those assholes to wasteland. I was speaking about myself. Hope everyone has heard of the saying – Never take life way too seriously. Life is too short to be taken that way. I always end up looking at a new kind of a character at hostel. And I keep wondering – look at this piece of bastard. They are all medicos. Someday I will also land up becoming someone like one of them. But no. I want to be way different. Of my own kind. The way I always wanted to be.

Yaa. Surely. My friend Shashwat once said on phone – “dude, I have seen doctors. We know how medical students are like. But looking at ur orkut photos makes us think otherwise.” I just replied – all it needs is a hell of a struggle when the things don’t go ur way.

3^rd year exams. I just finished them. This year I worked too much at gym. Hardcore gym workouts leave u no where to perform ur next activity with full concentration. Coz u don’t have much left in u till then. Call it addiction. Call it self destruction. But I just want to do it.

I don’t know much of the coming results. Nor do I want to predict on it. I gave an ophthalmology viva that lasted for 75 mints. All other students walked out of the minor O.T, not more than 40 mints. I was allover sweaty inside the air conditioned room. Suffered what they call as Mind Block. I answered anything. Some were total bullshit. But the external wouldn’t let me go. And I left one long question on community medicine. What hurts worse is that I didn’t realize I am leaving the question whose answer I already knew. Reminds me very much of 1^st year anatomy paper.

Well. Will see to it. Whatever comes. We will face it. Have always faced it. That’s what life is. It always tells you to move on. Man can get adapted to any kind of circumstance. Be it the worst. Afterall what all these years of gym has done to you if haven’t yet learnt how to take a blow. Days in Kota. Exams on every 14^th day. I tried my very best to make up my rank. Most of the times I would be left dejected. After 2 years of struggle I turned like – “I don’t give a damn shit what rank they give me.” Then came one year of drop, staying back at home. 12^th school results weren’t good either. I was just on the verge of loosing another year, when I got through into this college. The sun showed out of the clouds of frustration.

And then I come here. I thought life would be a bit different. School life was like u r on a racing track. U got to keep running. 10 years. Early morning wake ups, then school, got to answer all class questions, come back, even if u sleep, u got to live life alongwith the minute hand of the clock. Books. Everywhere. Sukanya ma’am tried to teach me otherwise – “Arnab, don’t live ur life as a bookworm.” & I would reply – “I am giving u top ranks, then why r u worried about me?” Yup. I did try to follow her kindful & dearful advice after coming to college. But when my 1^st year results showed, I silently said to myself – “boy, u have to go back to ur old style. Life hasn’t changed.”

And I don’t want to sing – give me some sunshine, give me some rain. Nope. Not at all.

If times are hard for u, u shouldn’t expect sunshine & rain from ur ugly fate. I will love to shout back at my bad fate – “Is this all u have got? Is this the limit of how much u can make me suffer? I still have life left in me. I can still fight back.”

Setbacks are surely to continue. They want me to give my 100% into one particular direction. And when don’t do that, I am prone to failure. It is the truth. Even if I am still standing on some point of success & looking at some of my old friends’ present conditions, makes me think how much God has blessed me. When I decide to take a chance, I surely pave an open road for disappointment alongwith a road for gold. I fail, fault is definitely mine. Blame should never b d game. Above all, things I have learnt, be true to yourself, be good, do good. I have taken chances. Maybe I will be taking again. One big blow of failure sets me straight on single track with my soul telling me - straighten up, otherwise something worse will follow. With a heavy heart I walk on that road. For sometime. And then again. As time heals the pain away completely, the mind wants to sing & dance again. Fear always lunges at one end. The fear of another failure. & the pain alongwith it. & the funniest thing is that the heart sings even when its sad. “Sweetest are the songs of a nightingale when it is sad.”- Keats.

Whatever. God delivered me on this earth as a man. And now am standing, with my muscular body [coz I never skip gym], will-be-doctor someday, struggling with studies, with my parents, friends & dear ones. I don’t think books will ever leave me. I just say – DIVINE LORD, BLESS ME…