Lonesome Clouds

“Clouds heap upon clouds & it darkens

Ah, love, why dost thou let me wait

Outside at the door all alone?

In the busy moments of the noontide work

I am with the crowd, but on this dark lonely day

It is only for thee that I hope.

If thou showest me not thy face, if thou leavest me

Wholly aside, I know not how I am to pass these

long, rainy hours.

I keep gazing on the far away gloom of the sky,

And my heart wanders wailing with the restless wind.”

                                                                                        -Tagore

These are favourite lines from Gitanjali, page no.18

Have you seen how the rainbow disappears? It becomes smaller and smaller, cutting slowly over its great length of great arched bow across the sky. And when it reaches its saturation, it starts dispersing. Just like how ice melts away. Suddenly the rainbow starts screeching out sideways. Its becomes very much apparent that the rainbow wants to go off, as it has stayed up there for a long time. It may not be long, but its always an honour for those who are lucky enough to catch the pretty glimpse of the rainbow. As it comes only in rains & that also not everytime. Only when you have rains & the sun successfully peeking out of the clouds.

“But ain't no sunshine when she's gone, only darkness everyday.”

Sung by Bill Withers. But the versions I have is one by Cat Stevens & the other one by Kenny Rogers.

Today I saw her again. & she spoke to me. What was her intention I don’t know. But it rang the rhythm again, all of a sudden. Just because I wasn’t expecting her to speak to me.

Last night was great. It did rain again alongwith a sudden storm just at the fall of the darkness. But somehow I felt that I will be able to get my friends for a dinner outside at Gulshan. And we did. Inspite of the mild shower. And the back of my white shirt got sprinkled with muddy water splashed by the bike Ankush was driving. Rathore & Abhijeet didn’t make it. So left were just four of us. Its always heartwarming to have the Sunday night out for dinner with friends. We do get a lot to share. Ankush is surely the great one. You never feel bored to be with him. Same as of Amit. They are always able to raise the toast of spirit of the company. Unless they themselves are done with sadness.

The girls took off to nagpur. & so did the Ankush girl. It was Friendship Day yesterday. & he was ringing up all his old friends. Finally he broke out at the hotel. He was feeling deserted. Just because she left him for one day. Nitesh joined in. Joining hands with Ankush, bit consoling him, bit sharing his ones. The topic was – how you feel when distance comes between you & your lover. & left were the two of us. Shridhar & myself. Surely we didn’t have anything to say. Cause we were the single ones. If also we miss someone, we don’t have any official reason to say anything about that.

& now it has started raining again. Though a milder one. The sky is down with dark clouds. Just minutes ago I saw the rainbow. Evening time. I went to the roof to dry up the sweat after gym. & before that, I watched P.S I Love You. 

Nostalgic. Surely I am.

Lovelorn. Hell I am.

Kick off love. Lets talk about home.

The train I can see far away is the Gitanjali express. Time is 6pm. It is zooming fast through the sevagram fields gone green with the rains. The train will reach Bilaspur by midnight. Feels like take a long leap like Superman from the hostel roof straight to the train top & say goodbye to college forever singing Home by Chris Daughtery.

Home is heaven. No doubt. For me. My Bilaspur is heaven. Nothing compared to that. Not that you will find any holy place out there. Or any mountain, river & any worth sight seeing spot. Its heaven for me, just because I was born & brought up there.

My house. Not my parents’ house. They want to sell it. & though I don’t agree with them, surely I can’t help it. I will always miss that place. My house is younger than me. By few months. The tree infront of the main door is as old as me for sure. It is called Jhau Gach or the Ironwood/ Beefwood. When I was young, I used to compete with it – lets see who gets taller how fast. Cause we were of same age & height. Almost. Actually the tree was shorter than me. Time passed. As I got busy with studies & didn’t even get to notice when the tree overtook me. Now it stands 12 feet tall. & I am. 5 foot 3 inches. Great.

My bicycle. Earlier one was BSA-SLR. Light’n sporty. That was what written on it. I rode it for 4 years. Where didn’t it go with me. Just like my laptop, my bicycle would surely cry – when will this kid stop torturing me? Where didn’t I take it. Places where no vehicle can possibly go. Across the farm lands. Over to the old tank. & the river Arpa. I almost tracked the whole length of it just on my bicycle. The villagers used to stare at me, thinking – this kid must have gone crazy to come this far on cycle. & the fateful accidents. It was Wednesday morning. The sweepers were sweeping brooms on street side. Shops were still to open. 7 am. I was glancing at the temple & from nowhere this 23 yrs old guy drove his scooter into my front wheels, leaving them crescent shaped. They say he was carrying 2 kids behind him, both of them were thrown away with head injury. I didn’t see any of them. Cause all I saw after the fall was that my dear cycle was crashed & I couldn’t even stand up. It was my right knee. The doctor told my father – be thankful to your son that he is healthy enough. The fat saved the patella from fracture.

It was 10^th std that I bought Hero New Devil. Thick & strong like me. It was just the kind I needed. Although I was looking for the types shown in Pacific Blue on AXN. & then again I back on the streets to set them on fire. No vehicle can back me where there are bumpers & potholes at every step. On such streets the cycle rules. Eventhough I did meet another fateful accident. Fateful because I met it a day before leaving for college. I got up cursing the bike fellow, not realizing how much hurt I was. My new pant got torn. As usual it was elbow again. And my t-shirt got red with blood from my face.

Arpa river has got full of water. On account of the check dam built few years backs. Otherwise in school days we enjoyed playing on the sandy banks of the river. 

It has got water upto the brink now. No sand now. Trees, swamp all around. Sand will be visible nearby Chouksey engineering college. It was right from there I traced it down to where it meets Hasdeo river. Gataura station was also within my reach everytime I went cycling outside Bilaspur.

As everyone else, I too miss school days. Bharat Mata days. I didn’t like primary days much. They made me the Head Boy in 5^th std. Though I hold most negligent head boy record & the most studious head boy the school ever had. 

Middle school was surely the memorable one. 8^th std was the best of all. Allover I was the big bully guy. Always beating up someone. Breaking noses & teeth were a common thing for me. Every second day complaints used to reach my parents. 10^th was the last of my school days. Kota days weren’t bed of roses. Although they were memorable, they made memories of long hard struggles.

& I miss the television at my home. The model set was Sony Trinitron 21’. When I was in my 4^th std, my grandfather bought me Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. After that I just got addicted. David Copperfield, Tale of Two Cities, Christmas Carol, Mark Twain’s Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn followed. Following them were Shakespeare’s Merchant of Venice, Julius Caesar, Tempest, King Lear, R.L.Stevenson’s Treasure Island, Robin Hood, Sherlock Holmes, Enid Blyton series & many more. This addiction made U turn when cable connection entered my home. Then followed WWF, Cartoon Network, HBO, Star Movies, AXN etc. Most memorable times like Tomorrow Never Dies shown on new year night of 2000, Titanic on new year night of 1999, Waterworld on 2001, watching Desperados at midnight, the track from Gangs of New York – Hands that built America by U2, the WWF six man cage fight between Rock, Austin, Brock Lesnar, Undertaker, Kurt Angle, Triple H, batman spiderman Xmen cartoons always make me homesick. Mtv videos of Bailamos, Nsync’s Bye Bye Bye always made classroom discussions. My dad used to take me to theatres for movies like Anaconda, Jurassic Park. My mom hated them.

Another thing to miss is the Durga Puja of Bilaspur. Over 500 pandals by more than 1 lakh Bengalis & others. The sound of the dhols. The pushpanjali. The early morning chants on Mahalaya. The rush for the bhog. The crowded evening streets. The long night traffic on the lighted streets. & then the immersion in river Arpa. Then came Dushera. Dad used to take me to the stadium to see the big burning Raavan. Then came the cold nights illuminated in diwali. Following them were shivering winters. Then the spring. Spring used to be truly beautiful in Bilaspur. We used to get long Christmas vacations coz ours was a missionary school. Then holi. Then deadly summers. The noon sun of May month could kill anyone. Then came rains. 10 days of total nonstop rainfall with no view of the sun for 3weeks. & then autumn leaves fall.

The clouds of Bilaspur always made the best shapes I have ever seen till now. The western skies. I always ended the whole day gazing at it only. Reason being, mornings too busy to see the east. & the back of our house was built in a totally open space. All my dreams, wishes, frustrations would be shared by me with the western sky only. I was 12 years old, when we got the view of Saturn, Jupiter in the sky. They would shine like the brightest star ever.

My study chair & table. Actually it was the dinning chair & table & dinning room where I used to study. 

& my mom used to cook foods in the kitchen right infront, checking over me every minute. The windows on my side showed the sky straight. My surroundings used to kind off huts or cottages, u can’t exactly call it slum. They were the working class laborers. So whenever a kid was born in their community, or any occasions like marriages, they used to blast music. The chattishgariya songs mostly. Sometimes good hindi songs. I miss the spring time of class 8, when nearby some good household was celebrating by playing the indipop songs. The weather used to be mild, windy, with the songs of Adnan Sami & Sonu Nigam.

Of my friends, I miss Abhinav & Pranay the most. Though presently, my parents like the 1^st one but hate the 2^nd one. I remember, back in kota, after exams I went to meet pranay at talwandi circle without telling my guardians & all hell broke loose. The DIG of kota police leapt into action coz I went missing for 6 hrs. Back at school, me & abhinav formed the boyzone group, which the girls reffered to as bal brahmacharis. Coz our anthem was not to be in touch with any girl. The guy breaking the rule would be put out of the group. & surely the group worked well coz we had the most powerful ones, physically & in studies as well. After we left school, surely the teenage excitement set in. That was one hell of a thing we missed in kota.

Days have gone. Everyone has undergone unexpected changes. May be more changes are yet to come. Till the time life is, we keep growing & aging, & things keep happening. Nothing is static for sure.

So. Its still raining here. I guess it will rain whole night.

Lets stop here. Will write again later. Gotta study now.