12th March, 2012

Sitting on the Sawangi fly-over, kept gazing at the rear lights of the train, as the Nagpur-Pune Superfast rode into the darkness.
Just then the phone rang. Vinit Mishra called up - "Where are you?"
"Wait for sometime, I am coming."

The day was a crazy piece. Waking up in the morning with the nightmare, 'what if she doesn't accept.'
Whole day passed like, 'Ok, she will call, some sms will come. She said that she will tell before leaving.'
But no.
Left Swapnil at the wards, saying that the network doesn't come in the wards, I am going to the OPD.
Even got a chance to visit GOPD, hoping to get a glimpse of her, but no.
Left the wards early at 4:30 pm, ran away without informing the pgs. 'Today, won't do gym.'
From the heart, knew how the evening was gonna pass.
At ICH, Mishra came running - "Arnab sir, what happened? Gave it to her?"
The dude almost frustrated me. Came back to room. Thoughts were running wild in the head. Closed the eyes & said - "Lets do it."
She said to wait till 6 pm. Said ok. Vedant shows up at the door - "sir aaj gym nahi chaloge?" "Nope."
Kawalkar turns up. Passing time. This talk, that talk. Its 6:25 pm. The phone rings. Time to drive off Kawalkar. Unlike last time, Kawalkar doesn't play mind games much, leaves easily. Me, got dressed, packed the bag. Lets go.
I always hated the ICH scenario. Remembered the last time I went to handover to her the last gift, Baghel was with me. Baghel kept insisting - "Go ahead alone, am not coming." This time it was just me.
No signs of her infront of the GH. Was just gonna ring her, when she showed up, with her big battalion. Was wondering - 'How to face the rest of the crowd?' Thanks to Nikita for pulling back one junior.

She came with her handbag. Hi Hello & all that. Those things weren't going into my mind only. Opened my bag.
"This is for you."
"What is there in it?"
"See it for yourself."
"Wait. I also have something for you."
Yeah. There had to be something for sure. & came out one Cadbury's chocolate. I couldn't stop my laughter.
"Bye Arnab. Take care..."
I can't recall what else she spoke. I guess I just said - "Tata." & perhaps "Happy Journey."

Turned back.
Did I see her for the last time? Nope. She is gonna comeback for some sign in fmt. & definitely we will see her wedding pics on facebook, just if she doesn't remove me from her friend list.
Dude, I didn't even get invited. Perhaps she was wise enough not to invite me. Or I was lucky enough not to get invited. Or crude enough not to be there in an invitation list where most of my friends were & them telling me - "tera naam nahi hai!"
Gossips just go on, saying, 'I will go.' 'I won't go.' With their respective reasons of going or not going to the wedding. Hardly matters for me, who goes & who doesn't. Perhaps I should wish for everyone to go, & shower their countless blessings for a happily wedded life ever after.

Todays thanks to Nilesh for his bike. I never drove a wilder way as I drove a bike today evening. & where was I going in such a hurry. Definitely not to the Wardha station to face a chirping crowd, showing their teeth, & all blah blah blah blah, & 'ma'am going for Chicago, or New York, or whatever.' 'Do come to marriage.' 'Yeah meet you there.' & her, usual lines, which go with - "Actually............."

Hmmmmmmmmmm...........................
Whatever.
Wasn't sure about where was I gonna rush with the bike. Put some petrol, met Supratim. Bastard kept telling me - "You must be going to somewhere you are not willing to tell."
Left him also behind.
Headed for the other end of the Wardha station. Ran up the stairs of the foot-over bridge. Heart beat was pounding. Some local train had come. Knew the departure time of Nagpur Pune is at 7:45 pm. Looked at the crowd at the platform. There wasn't any plus point for me to show up there. Came back to the bike stand. Drove away to the Sawangi fly over. Sat there. & waited.
The heavy loaded vehicles were creating nuisance today.

Lord knows what it felt like out there.

The train did come late, as expected. It passed like anything, with a super speed.
The phone rang. Some sms came. It was from her.
"Have a great life ahead." "All the best with your future." Am pissed with those lines.

The Titan Raga had cost some 2350 rs. Cheap one. Titan Ragas start at the price of 1500 rs. The best one, the one I really wanted to buy was 9000 rs. something. But definitely the money is not mine. Its all dad's money. They knew I would do something crazy with the money once I pass the final year. Mom kept a strict check on my pocket money. With what fucking face would I have demanded money from them either, after failing twice. It took so much to clear mbbs. My first stipend hasn't come yet, cause am still in the middle of the very 1st month. Dad's gonna retire soon too. What then! My future pg degree is also at a great stake. Couldn't even give treat to some of the best buddies like Amit Singh, Ankush, Rishi, Mohit, Steve... They all left. Gonna meet them all, stay in touch with all of them, no matter what. But what about this girl. Am never gonna meet her again. Neither would she ever wanna meet me certainly. I just wanted to give the very best I could. Just wish had I passed the final year in my first attempt. The 9000 rs. stuff was the deal then. I just couldn't do it.
Day before someone tells me they are buying a lehenga worth 80,000 rs. & then a trip to fucking USA.
Look my dear Mom, what all money can do. This dummy 2000 rs. watch is nothing infront of what she is gonna get.

Caught again in some pessimistic talk about money. Silly shit.

For the moment, I would like to finish this 12th March article.

Felt it deep inside, while sitting on the fly over, staring at the bright head-lights of the train coming towards me, 'What is it like to love someone who doesn't want to love you.'
She called it 'The Non-Receiving End'.
He he he

But whatever she was. She was great. Anything I would always be grateful to her, would be for her some futile attempts to continue to remain friends with me. She was certainly one of the best things that happened to me. Hardly matters my flunks & drops. Thats how they complete you. They can complete you even through their contempts for you. She will be missed. Remember back her lines - "We like to be missed by someone whom we miss." Surely. She is missing her best man. Hope for a great ceremony with her best man. May the best man remain best forever. What else. May she get all the happiness that she wishes for. Lord bless ya.

I don't want to sing 'Someone like you' of Adele, for her, like what I was listening to while smoking hookah (couldn't find a better song at that time) tonight. Someone like you, definitely not. Someone better than, I don't think it will work. Someone worse than you will definitely never be considered only.
If someone comes & tells me - 'You are good, you will get better.' I would simply reply back - "She was the best, whatever she did, whatever she was. Simply the best."

Back to sleeping with the tube-lights on. Last time I did this, Amit kept shouting at me why I kept the lights on whole night. There is certainly no-one to shout at me now.

Song for this article, there are countless songs. Play Bill Wither's Ain't No Sunshine When She Is Gone. Although I won't be playing any song now. Annhhnaaa... Maybe the song Emptiness will soothe me. 25th december was such a terrible time. A time with tons of foolishness. If someone tolerated those foolishness of mine, I would again be thankful to her.

Well, tonight, it rained.
I pray, that the sun comes out bright tomorrow morning. I don't wanna see a cloudy sky to start with.

Rishi

Statutory Warning :- Its not at all simple to write about Rishi.

Long days back, when Rishi left C-31, after becoming an intern, it did feel always odd for me to see someone else coming out of the green painted room, everytime the doors of that room would open with a creaking sound. Same was on 6th march, 5 pm, I returned from my internship training program, all the way thinking - 'Yeah, Rishi has gone. So what. Some or the other day he had to go.' The feelings weren't that upsurged until I entered D block, turned right, to see the door locked with the warden lock. & the white apron wasn't visible either, which Rishi used to hang to cover the transom. It did take some time to digest the fact.

But as usual, Rishi got to study harder now. & I too have to study. Leave the nostalgic friendship days with memories, & better focus on where to find the vein, or the Psychiatry ward patients drive me crazy everyday.

Referring the orkut testimonial, Rishi - he is the ghostly geek, a sincere bastard, a studious saint.
sincerity is filled in him, rite frm heads 2heels. he is damn studious guy. and he is studious mentally physically spiritually. hellya dats rite
his room is like a den. absolutely air tight, clothes hanging, bed flooded wit books and there u wil find him on d bed wit uncomed hair, dressed like an old man and his laptop, no movies, wallpapers, always playing sad hindi classical songs
and yaa, his collge is no less dan a school boy's bag, loaded wit tonnes on books.
and undoubtedfully no1 can forget his famous mimicry
neway
rishi is great guy, a good friend, always there 2hear ur problems, absolutely straightforward, damn socialising character, softspoken. he can never b hardcore.
Predicted these lines for him back in 2nd year. The guy was actually like that. Changes - he started taking care of his hairs, tried that Mafia hair style of Al Pacino from the movie Godfather, somewhat like the hairstyle of the WWF Razor Ramone.
Always trying hard to reduce weight.

Some great lines from Rishi -

"Remember, some people will always complete us... Remember the blue polythene story... Thanks for completing me friend."
Well, he did complete me. I don't know if I have completed him.

Best line about rishi, from rishi – I win as a habit, & loose for a change.

What a line. Wonderful.. this is written on his old room wall.

Tag line from rishi – arey… tu genius hai… manta hoon yaar tujhe.

Most controversial line from rishi – she wasn’t meant for you. You were not made to be with her.

The most frustating line he wrote for me – ‘this stuffs might look interesting, without wondering whether they are true or not.’ Hmmm. This was the very one liner which ruined the whole article of mine in sushruta. Doesn’t matter. The guy says he fought a lot to get my that article printed, after constant changes & drop outs in the matter of the article. Surely. After this, we conclude to the same funda – ‘sevagram sucks. The lecturers & professors here suck even more. Only one thing rocks here – we, the students.’

Rishi’s style. He won’t call someone chutiya in just a casual manner. He will give full stress on the word, saying – ‘chuuuuuuuutiiiyaaaa… chuuutiyaa hai tuuu…’

As if he really is very desperately trying to make the person, to whom he is referring as a chutiya, the meaning of word chutiya, & moreover, as if he has done grading of chutiyas, & he is telling the person, which grade of chutiya that person is.

Another catch up moment with him. Ask him – whats ACP?

Rishi – I will write ACP arnab on your door.

I was just looking at him blankly. Suddenly both of us smiled at each other.

Again rishi – arey nahi. Then you will also write ACP rishi on my door. Shit.

With ‘shit’, comes the way rishi emulates steve – sheikh sir says, steve cleans his room with his broom & keeps saying – shit man! I am gonna fail. Shit man. Shit.

Once upon a time, he used to come shouting at my door calling - "Wiloopt Praani."

& his antics of making his entry into my room, kicking hard my door, playing with the Hit spray, for cockroaches. 

Sit with him. & he will start like, with a twist in his head & brink of smile – "ek baar kya hua ki…"

Best ever way he defended me. That was when Kawalkar rushed into my room saying, not saying, shouting –  "abe… Ankita ki shaadi fix ho gayi…"

I just rose up… wondering what to do now. I was like on the brink of crying again, that Rishi entered, with the very expression of thinking hard – what way can I get this asshole Kawalkar out of my friend Arnab’s room.

& then Rishi strikes – "pata hai, nikita ki bhi shaadi fix ho gayi maine suna…"

& Kawalkar with his mixed expressions face, runs out of my room. & behind him we all are shouting – "Nikita ki bhi shaadi fix ho gayi." & Kawalkar doesn’t look back.

Best comfort that Rishi gives, is by saying nothing. No rude expression on his face. He can never be sarcastic, that’s for sure, though he sometimes tries to be one, but a failure always. So the best way he tries to comfort me, is the way he enters my room, saying nothing, will sit & will start like – "dekh….."

The guy is one year younger to me by age. Surely he doesn’t have more experience than me. Still with his ample amount of knowledge, that he mostly accumulated in a scholar pattern, he goes advising me & counseling me. Well. Half of what he says, gets the very one reaction from my mind – what the hell does he think of himself?

Best reaction that he caught of me, was while we were chatting on facebook, & he refers about her & - why did you press the backspace button? No you did. You were typing something, & then almost nothing.

Same while we were talking in the balcony, & he refers about her again, & - kya hua? Tu achaanak se itna shaant kyon ho jata hai…

& finally, the boss of all incidences with Rishi – the blue polythene bag story…

Polythene bag... last time Rishi asked about my opinion on his incidences, I simply replied - "An unfortunate event." A stuff what Baghel referred to as - HITTING AGAINST THE BOULDER. 

Whatever. 'Completing as a friend'. Maybe... we complete each other as friends. I don't know. I completed Rishi!!! ?????????? God knows. I don't know how I completed him. For me, I needed someone to help me out. Different people helped me in different ways. Rishi also helped. & as per the exam thing. If I passed final year mbbs, then that is because of him. MARK THESE WORDS STRAIGHTLY. 

Well. Presently, am not sure, tomorrow is Holi. & really am in bad need of studying. So properly speaking, not in the real mood of writing, like sometimes am used to, in late nights. I just wanted to atleast start with with one article about the best dude I had here in sevagram.

With that, again going back to how I met him, sevagram bapu kuti ashram, my arm was bandaged, cycle accident before coming to college, & my father gone to some distant shop to buy a cup, am furious with my mom, bugging in bengali, when Rishi's father comes over & starts a conversation in bengali. Getting with what his father described him as, a fresher, I thought must some fair looking spec wearing thing fellow, typical studious bengali guy, but what turned to be was different, Rishi turns out to be some big gorilla like fellow, with moustaches, My God. I went like - 'what a guy. Hardly matters. Fresher. Will surely beat him up someday.' & see what turned out now. 

I hope Rishi remembers the incidence, at the boys dormitory, when he woke up one morning, disoriented about the directions, & hit the wall. I kept shouting, throwing the torch light at him - "udhar deewar hai." But who cares. 

Today. Called him back to know that the guy is unpacking his books. Definitely, don't know about the future results, cause, frankly, I didn't get much of what he kept explaining to me about his future plans. So I don't know much about his prospects. But what I know is - RISHI WILL STUDY HARD, HARDER, HARDEST. May the Lord save the world around him from exploding. 

587. Those were his grand total in final year mbbs. If Rishi ever asked - 'how do you remember that?'

My reply, simple - 'Ankita also got the same total.' Rishi shaking head - 'tera kuch nahi ho sakta.'

What else remarkable things about Rishi - his concept of the creation of thick environment on room for studying. He claimed to have attained that concept from Sherlock Holmes. Bugsy guy would carry the big room coller also into his room.

Rishi would try hard to understand everything, in deep.

Its better for me not to talk about his love interests in college. For me, they were pathetic, even though he may had discovered a nightingale sitting on his shoulders, or something like that. For sometime there was a confusion about the nightingale. Then he got that tag of 'chinka'. Then. Then. Then move on to present times. I told him to burn the card. But sardar left it torn. Then he made some promises with a dream of Mumbai. But again something happened. Then I don't know. Now if a guy keeps on pressing on saying - 'there is nothing.', what can I do.

Hmmmm.... Probably the best lines from Rishi -

THE CONCEPT OF LIFE IS, SOMEDAY WE WILL ATTAIN TOTAL CONTROL OVER IT.

He was telling those holy lines to Rohit, & I was sleeping in my room, after which he came shouting my door - "abe ye aajkal ganja charas lene lagaa hai kya, jab dekho sota rehta hai."

Rishi always told not to write about anything soon, to wait, to see how the story ends.

I will say, its a pathetic ending. We knew how the ending would be, atleast, I knew how the ending would be, still, the truth is, we love to fly, even if we don't have wings.

THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS SIMPLE. THE TRUTH LAYS RIGHT INFRONT OF US ALWAYS. BUT WHAT WE LIKE IS, COMPLICATIONS. WE DON'T LIKE TO ACCEPT THE TRUTH IN A SIMPLE MANNER. WE LIKE TO ADD SPICES TO IT. MAKE IT AS MUCH COMPLICATED AS IT CAN EVER BECOME. THEN STARTS THE FUN. 

Whats life without fun! Huh!!! Sometimes I used to tell Rishi - "thrill, enjoy it. take chances."

Then saw the highway milestone saying - "thrill kills." Indeed it does. 

& then we need someone, to help us rise back again. In my case, it was Rishi. He tried his best to help me out. 

Packing lugages, at Wardha station, Rishi said to me - "I have done some wrong things here."

I replied - "If you do all the things right, you won't have any nice memories to laugh about when you will grow old."

Presently, brutally, its better, if Rishi keeps studying, & myself try to study, as much as I can. Because, I am caught up in a loathsome position, right now.

I will try to end up here. There, ofcourse is a lot more to write bout Rishi. Will keep on writing. 

Just the first article for him.

Dedicated these lines from Lord Tennyson, for Rishi :-

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy Autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our friends up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
That sinks with all we love below the verge;
So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more.

Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds
To dying ears, when unto dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a glimmering square;
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in Life, the days that are no more.

Never Ending Woes

Goa trip got cancelled.
Anything worse than that, batchmates gonna leave.

There will be one article each for my dear ones.